It is May 5th. My grandpa died at 4 a.m. last night. I don't know what to do with myself, so I am going to do what I always do. Write about it. I can't explain how I feel. I've been expecting it for so long that I made myself not think about what I would feel after he died. I was so thoughtful about how I would react, because I have never been this close to a family member who then died. But, he is dead now, and I am feeling everything in full force.
Those of you who have lost a family member know the sadness that follows. Right now it hasn't sunk in for me that I'm really never going to see him again. I thought that when he died I wouldn't cry. I thought maybe I was one of those people who was sad, yes, but never cried when they needed to. I thought maybe I would be one of those people who would go into a depression so deep they stopped eating and doing anything healthy for themselves. I thought maybe I would just leave randomly and not come back for hours and hours, never telling my family where I was. I thought maybe I would want everyone to know what happened so they could all talk to me and tell me how sorry they are.
His death is still fresh, so I haven't become any one of these things. And I might react a completely different way. I have had tears in my eyes, but not outright weeping. I control myself because I don't want my host family to know because then I know I'll start crying uncontrollably. I don't know what to expect in the coming days, but right now I do know that I am devastated. And I miss my grandpa more than anyone could ever know. But one wish was granted. He went in his sleep, he didn't struggle, and he was surrounded by people he loved.
Grandpa, I miss you. And I love you. Cok ozledim. Seni Seviyorum.